Episode 1.2 "Brains Are A Lot Harder Than You'd Think"

When whatever this thing was turned to face us, I could see what it’s arms were busy with. They were busy stuffing Professor Burbidge’s brain into its Predator-esque jaws, which also revealed the origin of the terrible slurping sounds that the creature was making. I remained frozen in place, but my rebellious, thrill-seeking eyes hopped around the classroom searching for some new form of grotesquerie. Jerry, who works at Whole Foods, puked all over his desk and passed out, letting his dirty-blond dreadlocks sop up the pool of vomit that he had produced. Jin and Han, the foreign exchange students, were holding onto each other as if Jin was trying to incorporate Han into his own body. Whitney and Haley, who always wear sweat pants with the words “juicy” or “pink” written across their asses leapt up and ran out of the room, their screams echoing down the hall. Everyone else was either trying to get cleaned up or huddled in the back of the room, afraid to see what fresh heaps of weirdness were in store for them.

As I was observing how the chaos affected my classmates, I heard a hellish noise from the front of the class. It was an unholy union of a dial-up modem struggling to connect and long, jagged nails scraping down a chalkboard. I turned to look at the creature just in time to see Professor Burbidge’s half-gnawed brain for a split second as it splattered into my face. Quick note: Brains are lots harder than you’d think. Also, I’m pretty sure I got some in my mouth. I don’t know if it was the impact of a brain hitting me in the face or a safety mechanism that my body employed when it couldn’t handle anymore batshit craziness, but I blacked out.

NEXT:

"MARLA GETS A CLAW HAMMER"

Oingo Boingo: "Grey Matter"